i am the cheese

So, ironically, (or not so ironically?) this new phase of my life has presented me with more unscheduled time that I have probably ever had in my life. Weird. To that end, I will probably be blogging a lot in the coming weeks, so I hope I don't get too boring. I have also had time to read other blogs and really just be introspective little me. Dangerous, I know.

Here are some things that have been on my mind of late:

As terrified and lonely as I am here in Malix (and yes, I know that compared to plenty of places the world over I am ridiculously safe at the moment--just go with me) I know that I have nevertheless been given an opportunity to challenge my fears head on. It remains to be seen if I really stand up to them. Wish me luck!

I've realized that, while I profess to be an expert in solitude, I do not in fact enjoy it. I mean, I never really did in high school or college anyway, but it was just easier. Here, solitude is simply part of existence, like breathing. Thus, I am trying to make the best of it--at least I can read and write to my heart's content without interruption (well, during the hours that Jamie and Raina are out of the house or asleep, anyway.)

Another of my fears is traveling. Now, I know that might sound odd, as it is in fact an element of my life that has yielded some of the greatest experiences and memories I posses, but this is really my first official SOLO adventure. I don't know how much I like that. Travel is infinitely more fun with people. My hosts, Carrie and Chrigl, have generously provided me with a Swiss travel card, allowing me to travel by train for half-price within the country, as well as in Germany and Austria. Trouble is, I am terrified to travel alone. And while I know that Europe in general is arguably the safest place I could be, I still hate that I'll be a lone American female, hopping trains and wandering cities like Bern and Lucern by myself. Furthermore, I haven't the foggiest notion of where I should even want to go. Never really thinking of Switzerland as a possible destination for my life, it never occurred to me to take interest in its sights or cultural attractions. The same goes for its geographical neighbors. Anybody have any suggestions of places to visit and things to see in the general area? Even with my Frommer's guidebook I still feel lost.

Along with that, there's the whole language thing. I know I've harped on this before, so I promise to be brief, but that is really the thing that scares me the most. It is one thing to get on a bus or train and travel to the coast for a few days in England or the States, in an environment where, even if (let's be honest here, more like inevitably when) I get lost, I can at least ask for help and be understood, as well as capable of understanding what is said to me. Here, I simply do not have that luxury. If I get on the wrong bus, I'll have no way of knowing it. I can't even read a sign that says "left" or "right." Mind, I have taken small steps to cure this, thanks in large part to a children's book and apps for iphone, but it remains nevertheless the most alien part of my life here.

Having said the above, however, I know that all things in life take a little getting use to. There is always the inevitable period of adjustment and a steep learning curve. And I'm trying. I will keep trying every single day, even when I screw up.
I am grateful for one thing in particular however, one that I hope will stick with me after I return home--the fact that the human race is an incredibly adaptable and teachable thing. Just as Chrigl was able to find a niche in the States and learn the language of its people before returning to his native country to work and raise a family, I too hope to grow to feel comfortable here, even if German remains beyond my grasp. I also hope that I will remember the courage I have seen within myself, even so early in my journey. I still have a lot of new things to experience--principle among them being: taking the car for a spin, trying out the public transpo to the city of Chur, and maybe even grocery shopping--but I hope that when it is all over I can face other challenges from a point of view that takes into account different kinds of challenges. I hope that I will never again feel bad about asking for directions when lost in downtown Denver, or wherever the heck I end up. And I hope I never belittle the experiences in my life with qualifiers like "just." (i.e.- Yeah, I worked as an au pair in Switzerland, but just for a little while, and the kids spoke English, so it was no big deal.) Wrong. This is the biggest deal I've encountered in a long time. And while I know other beloved friends are doing things that seem more challenging and require more bravery in my book (Kelsey, Elizabeth, Sarah, Katie, Jenny, Sam, Smac or Allison, for example) I also know that they are where they are suppose to be. And even if I can't see it right now, so am I.

Today's nonsensical/ Jabberwocky Note: The title of this post comes from a line in a children's nursery rhyme called "The Farmer in the Dell." If you don't remember it, the gist is that, after all the other characters in the song are mentioned, "the cheese stands alone." Right now, dear friends, I feel like cheese. But that is not necessarily a bad thing. After all, I rather like Swiss cheese.