Reckless Abandon

I can't explain it.

I don't know why.

But for some unknown reason I've been acting strangely lately--so strangely that even I've noticed.

I'll be sitting on the ground near the train-yards in Chur and suddenly have the overwhelming desire to jump on a train, regardless of destination.

I'll go hiking and suddenly find myself halfway up a tree or making my way upstream along a creek, intent on reaching the waterfall in the distance, completely unaware of how I got there.

Today, for example, while straddling a log in the middle of a creek about a hundred yards from the actual trail, I thought I heard someone call out to me and after a minute I realized that two mountain-bikers on the trail below were trying to get my attention. They waved and spoke to me and I just shrugged and smiled back and waved in a friendly, "I know I must look stupid but I promise I'll be fine" kind of way, (if only waves could say so much,) and I watched them ride off looking reluctant and skeptical---I imagine they half considered coming after me...that, or calling the authorities to report a crazy American wandering unchecked in the wilderness, endangering the lives of unsuspecting locals and the occasional cow.

Still emboldened though I was, my encounter with the bikers sobered my spontaneous adventure somewhat and I gave up the waterfall in favor of proceeding on my hike as planned. I took a great many "wrong turns" if you want to call them that, for I would get tired of the trail I was on and so turn off onto the tiny little livestock paths and muddy bogs as they arose, just for a change of pace.  I fell once or twice coming down some of the impossibly steep paths and more than a few times I thoughts that my knees or ankles were in for an encounter of the dangerous and painful kind, but after three hours I found myself a bench and was pleased to discover that, save a few cuts and a variety of injuries to my palms, I was entirely unhurt.

I took a while to consider the idea of "motivation." Why I chose to take this hike, turn left at that last fork, and so on. In truth, I don't know why I do a lot of things. But I do know that if I had company on this adventure of mine I don't think I'd be anywhere near as reckless or spontaneous or impulsive.

As it stands now, I am free to be reckless and stupid without worrying what a companion might think of my choices. And while it could be argued that I currently have more responsibilities of an obvious nature than ever before---childcare and everything attached to it, coupled with running and maintaining a household being chief among those rather important obligations---somehow, amidst all of that, I feel a freedom, a sense of control to my own life that I don't quite understand, though I am growing more and more fond of it with each passing day. I think it has a lot to do with the lack of people in my life that I sometimes find myself performing for.

Here I have no real audience. Carrie and Chrigl are often so busy with work that we do not see each other for days at a time, and as long as I am willing to play and engage with Jamie and Raina in their daily lives, they, like most children, show no acknowledgment for a life that I might lead separate from theirs.

These kids really do amaze me, each and every day. I wish I could be more like them. Hell, that might just be where my recklessness stems from--watching these kids who are amazingly talented and intelligent and wise and brave...it makes me feel just a little smarter and a little more brave myself.

And I think that's good, as my return home and lack of plans thereafter will inevitably require some bravery. So here's to being bold! May we all get a dash of courage in our stockings this year : )