I hate grad school.
I hate almost everything about it.
I hate that I don't love my teachers.
I hate that I'm afraid to be honest with them, just in case it comes back to bite me.
I hate the turmoil and political bullshit in my department.
I hate that I feel insignificant.
I hate teaching.
I hate the stress of lesson planning.
I hate the cold I feel almost every moment of the day.
I hate being nervous, feeling unprepared, lost, and judged.
I hate my fear of public speaking, my tremors--the exposure.
I hate the physical and mental and emotional toll this is taking on my body.
In a way, I even hate my classes.
I don't like what I read.
I hate that I have to make things up about what I read in order to have something to say.
I hate that I'd rather clean my toilet than write a paper.
I hate that I don't have anything good to say about grad school when people ask how it's going.
I hate that part of me thinks that my freshmen year of college was a cake walk compared to this.
I hate tutoring, and I feel relief when sessions get cancelled, and I hope that they go poorly so students don't come back to work with me.
I hate that I hate grad school.
I hate myself for hating it.
I hate myself for feeling like a failure when all I've done so far is succeed.
I hate myself for wanting to quit.
I hate that walking away from a fight (what we're all taught to do as kids) means losing.
Because no matter what I do, I lose.
If I stay, I lose years. I might lose my love of learning. I could lose my health. I imagine I will lose my belief in the worth of education. But I gain a credential.
If I go, I lose my faith in my own ability. I may gain perspective. Sanity, even. But what of that?
I hate almost everything about it.
I hate that I don't love my teachers.
I hate that I'm afraid to be honest with them, just in case it comes back to bite me.
I hate the turmoil and political bullshit in my department.
I hate that I feel insignificant.
I hate teaching.
I hate the stress of lesson planning.
I hate the cold I feel almost every moment of the day.
I hate being nervous, feeling unprepared, lost, and judged.
I hate my fear of public speaking, my tremors--the exposure.
I hate the physical and mental and emotional toll this is taking on my body.
In a way, I even hate my classes.
I don't like what I read.
I hate that I have to make things up about what I read in order to have something to say.
I hate that I'd rather clean my toilet than write a paper.
I hate that I don't have anything good to say about grad school when people ask how it's going.
I hate that part of me thinks that my freshmen year of college was a cake walk compared to this.
I hate tutoring, and I feel relief when sessions get cancelled, and I hope that they go poorly so students don't come back to work with me.
***
I hate that I hate grad school.
I hate myself for hating it.
I hate myself for feeling like a failure when all I've done so far is succeed.
I hate myself for wanting to quit.
I hate that walking away from a fight (what we're all taught to do as kids) means losing.
Because no matter what I do, I lose.
If I stay, I lose years. I might lose my love of learning. I could lose my health. I imagine I will lose my belief in the worth of education. But I gain a credential.
If I go, I lose my faith in my own ability. I may gain perspective. Sanity, even. But what of that?
Thinking of you, Linds. You're a brave, intelligent, wise, discerning, kind, balanced, and talented woman. No matter what you do - whether you stay or go, there is something there you'll GAIN too. Miss you, believe in you. Take care of yourself, you hear? - EM
ReplyDeleteLove you, Lindsay, and hope that you don't let this beat you. Remember that whether you stay or go, it's your choice. Though going may feel initially like being beaten, though staying may feel like torture, you have the freedom to choose what you can and can't stand, what will or won't enrich you. And you have a huge community of people who will support you either way.
ReplyDeleteAlso, you have doctor who and the lizzie bennett diaries to comfort you.
Lindsay,
ReplyDeleteI means so much to me for you to feel happy and for your body to be healthy. You will know if all your fighting, late nights, and hard work will be worth it. I believe in you--whether this path is the right one or not. Let me know if you need a dreams & schemes partner. Or a cheerleader (I can yell wicked loud!) :)
All my love from two time zones away, Libs